So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
