am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
