all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
