he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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