yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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