when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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