I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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