the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
