Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
