I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
