then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
