I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
