i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
