Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
