She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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