I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
