Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I think I won the penis lottery.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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