Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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