I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
