Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
