No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
