This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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