last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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