Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
