So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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