Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
