New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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