Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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