Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
