I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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