I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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