I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We just shotgunned beers for America
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
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