There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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