Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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