so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
