he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
