I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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