What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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