so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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