So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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