your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
