in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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