Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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