I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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