sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
