She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
