Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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