farters have to be the big spoon...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
