The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
