but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
